You'll never be her. Why would you even try?
I recently learned something about myself. I'm constantly fighting to be "the other woman." Whether she exists or she's future tense, I strive to be her, to be the next, without thinking about my values. I want so desperately for him to see that I'M the right woman. I'm the woman that will turn his life from great to the greatest. I'm the woman who will understand his jokes, follow his lead, share my fears and hopes, and be the woman who will make sure there is no other who can provide what I could. And, every time I let a man go, he finds the other woman. Coincidence?
But, who is she?
I think, for so long I fought to be this strong, independent woman. Someone who didn't need to rely on a man. Someone who could survive on her own - a woman who owns her world and creates the life she wants. This kind of demeanor unfortunately put important men in my life in a position where they didn't feel value, didn't feel like they could add anything, felt like they couldn't be enough or were too big to understand my value. And, then, I would lose that man to another woman. Most of the time, it was the better option. We, as partners, we're not meant to be. No matter how much it hurt at that time. But, it still made me question: what does she have that's better than mine?
And, then, there was him. This person... I want to say more but I don't know what to say. But, I'll never be what this person needs, or wants. [You've read me talking about him before]. But, I fought so desperately for him to see that I wasn't his past and should be his future. But, I wasn't enough. I wasn't right for him. I wasn't what would make him feel complete. He knows, I'm just not the woman for him. There will be another woman that will get him more, understand him more, get his struggles and support him because she's been there too. I realized tonight that as I was searching his eyes to find me... he never did. Not this time. And so, I let it be.
There's another woman out there for him. Just like there always is. This time, I envy her. She'll get to feel his touch, feel educated and challenged by his intellect, understand his heart. I won't. I hope she's a woman that will see what I saw in him. But, she will. She'll be a bright, intellectual, beautiful woman who won't rely on him for love but rather, be an addition to his life and the love he'll be able to offer.
Here's to the man who's able to get through to me. Good luck.
I release myself from my fears of never feeling emotion. All I feel is emotion.
Sorry guys, honesty hour over here.
Thanks for reading this and knowing you get more than just a link to the new chunky boot I bought or my latest travels to a far away land. This is real, F*CKING, life.
Raise your hands if you've been here. #SQUADUP