I officially have less than four days left here in New York City and it's gotten me scared shitless.
I made a life here, met people to get me through the struggles of this city together, met men who taught me about who I am as a woman who only deserves good love and discovered what my journey here was about. Leaving it behind was realized this weekend as I was surrounded by my closest NYC friends.
It leaves me breathless leaves me scared leaves me overwhelmed.
Moving to NYC was a decision based on a childhood fantasy (hello Maid In Manhattan!) and it never left. I knew here was the place I would discover that something. I came here on a mission for change in myself. No one, not even my closest friends or family, understand the strange inconsistent way I function. I take way too many risks, my plans aren't really mapped out and I go with the wind. But that's okay because lucky for me, I don't have to explain myself and what I do, to anyone. Moving to NYC was a decision made because it was supposed to happen, not because I was forced to make a decision. Moving to California is the same circumstance.
But I've got to say, this weekend brought on the biggest wave of questions. "Did I make the right decision?" "Did I try hard enough?" "Am I just giving up?" "Am I weak?" "Will I be judged for moving?" "Will I be taken seriously?" "Will people think I'm stupid for leaving?"
I'm not afraid to tell you that I'm not 100% okay with my decision. Of course I feel like I'm jumping the gun. But that's okay. I'm 26 years old with no obligations to the world. I've got paths to explore and a new journey to conquer. And, truly, I'm okay with being vulnerable about my feelings on this move. Because I know so many people are in the same situation I'm in. I know too many people who don't take risks, who stay in their bubbles, who never venture to the unknown and unseen. But life is about the risks you take and the journey you allow yourself... and at 26, I would say my life ain't half bad thanks to the decisions I've made despite the fear.
Tonight, I said, "I may regret this."
But how could I regret another opportunity to flourish and change and become an even more amazing human being? I could never confine myself to a bubble. There are way too many cool people, beautiful cities and undiscovered talents to see so onward I go.
Four more days.
What are you scared of?
Photos by the undiscovered wonder EJK