I've been heavily tossed into the dating scene recently and let me tell you, it's been an interesting one. Meeting people is one thing but having one-on-one with someone from 1-3+ hours while making good or bad conversation in hopes that there could potentially be a second date, all to have it end without really knowing what will happen is the most drawn-out test of life if there ever was one. So there's that.
But then, perhaps, it goes great. You've got a few weeks, a couple dinners, a sleepover or two and many a laugh under your communal belt. All is going well and fine and you're getting to know each other. You snuggle deep in the sheets with your new beau and then... the following happens (one or all):
-You produce a vaginal flatulence (also known as queef) -He farts -You fart -He gets diarrhea -You get the poopy poops and you're not at your house -You accidentally knee/elbow/kick/punch his face -You forget to shave/wax/laser/shower or ALL of the above
Well. Shit. Happens. So I've broken down the FIVE HOW-TO's on getting over it and moving past the [insert bodily secretion here]:
- KEEP YOUR COOL. The one thing you never want to do is REACT badly. I'll give you an example. A poor chap I cooked for had major stomach issues, the poor thing. He couldn't hold it anymore, he had to blow up my bathroom. And we're talking beginning stages. So, I kept my cool. Got the kid some water and told him to just go. Luckily, we were both mature. Trust me, I've had many an embarrassing reaction to POOP. But the last thing anyone wants is a reaction to bodily fluids/secretions. Or make them feel weird. We got all SHIT. Literally. So help him out and move past like it never happened. And if you have to go, You better go. The last thing you want is a gurgle-ly stomach in bed, on top, under the covers, around the bend and back again. Just sayin. Oh, and have a handy wipe on hand.
- HANDLE IT OR LET IT GO. So you've got all kinds of Razpunel on your limbs, crevices and the like. You forget. Shit happens. You see each other last minute. Personally, I can't let this happen because it's a personal pet peeve of mine. But if you are one free spirit, let that hairy flag fly free. After all, manicuring isn't cheap and is also timely. Would he rather wait or get it in while he can? Ask him. He won't wait.
- LAUGH IT OFF. And if you queef, girrrllll, let that shit go. Who cares? If he makes fun of you (and in result, kills the moment), ask him HOW FUCKING OLD ARE YOU? Disengage and bounce. Or laugh with him and keep it rockin'.
- DON'T DWELL. You did a little sexy "play fighting" and you got cray. Your elbow met his forehead. Your knee whacked his groin. Then comes the infinite pause of pain on his end and a pause of surprised/freaked out face happening on your end. Don't baby him. Be apologetic. Grab some ice. Give him a little sass "Don't be a baby" and then, a kiss on the forehead. Leave him be and all will be fine. I promise.
- THE IMPORTANT SSS. And lastly, try to remember: Shave. Shower. Shit. And you, my child, will be on the road to success.
Now, as always, share your stories. You know I love the good ones! Plus, we could all use a good laugh.