The other day I was talking to a close guy friend of mine about our clocks - both women and men. We all feel there's some sort of deadline we should be on, if settling is something we really want. Him and I both are after lucrative careers, both having no time for a significant other. Yet, we both agree we need one, want one, desire to have that ONE person to call at the end of a tough day, hug after a promotion and kiss in the night. Where does the sacrifice become worth it?
Moving to New York, I had strict intentions to not date seriously. I figured I wouldn't be here for too long, only being here as long as it takes to "make it" and after, come home to California. I'm going on my second year and I'm no where near where I'd like to be. And now that I've settled into my amazing apartment, I've got a puppy to love and care for and slowly building a base of friends, it feels like it's all coming together but missing a primatial piece. But that's not to say I haven't gone out, met cool guys and dated. And here's where my conversation with my guy friend got interesting.
After a few minutes into our conversation, I said something that shocked me a bit too. "I don't think I'm the type of person to be loved... and my love is way to vulnerable. I'm much better at having a hard exterior... suppressing emotional angst. I rather not love than be accused of vulnerability.. Sometimes love can be thrown in someone's face." It was then I realized I'm the reason I'm still in this position. I purposely avoid falling for someone, purposely avoid getting close and the moment I feel it coming, I push that person away because the last thing I want to do is fall.
Sure, I can easily blame my past as any of us can for the way we are today. But I can't let things that happened before portray my future. I figured since I pretty much tell you all everything, I thought what better way to dump the past, then do it on here. So, here's my thank-you's to the past and a welcome to the future.
To the one I was supposed to share my life with: You and I grew up together, became adults and learned we weren't right for each other. I don't blame you for what you've done and I know you don't blame me either. It's been years trying to let go of something that will never be the same again. Friends? I doubt it but you were the first love of my life. That can't ever be altered. So thank you for being that person and for growing up - for your future.
To the one that loved me more than I could ever love him: You know you were too good for me. And I'm sorry I couldn't be that woman because I know the love you had to give was more than I could ask for. But I also know you'll meet someone that can give you all that love back and be the woman that's perfectly made for you. Thank you for teaching me compassion and trust because things would be so different today. You helped pick up the pieces of the prior and not many men could do what you did. Thank you J.
To the one that I won't ever get to have: You taught me the most. You helped me see the clearer me and helped me to discover something far beyond what I knew I had, whether you realized it or not. I've never been more honest than with you and so thankful for your friendship. I hope that the person I end up being with, has attributes of you because there are just some things you can't live life without.
To the one in a country far away:They say you should always have an international love affair. I'm so thankful you were mine. I don't know whether I'm sad or happy it never worked out. But you were amazing - emotionally and physically. I truly won't ever forget those moments.
To the future one(s): You've got a hefty load in front of you because I'm more complex than you might want to take on. But I think that's okay because I rather have layers than be a one-sheeter. I'm already thankful because you'll have entered my life and new people are new discoveries. I hope you take care of me the way these men above have shown I require. I hope I give you the love you deserve and cherish the time we'll have together, whether short or long or forever. To the man who captures my heart forever, god, I'm lucky. Because that means you really had the ability to break down the walls behind the walls, behind those walls. And that sir, is the toughest task you'll ever have.
So, as per usual in these Love Lust Life's, share your story. Do you blame your past as I used to do? Sometimes, we women can't tell our girlfriends what we feel because of judgement of past mistakes so think of this (me) as your unjudging best friend. I promise you, nothing can be judged here.
Photo by my dear friend, Sabrina Noel Hill