As a majority of you online lovers know, there has been a viral going around, promoting "You're not alone" campaign for these poor kids who are committing suicide because of bullying and all-strictly because of who they were. I'm a huge YouTuber so I've watched many a video talking about their experience, their trails, speaking from their thoughts about suicide (examples here and here). It got me thinking and it wasn't until BLEED FOR FASHION posted today, that I decided to tell my story. I've never opened up about my experience to the "public" of the internet, strictly because it's very personal to me. I consider myself a very open person-I find it relieving to know I can open up to people and we can relate and discuss. But it hasn't always been that way.
Back in 2007, I went through a major depression, the worst time in my life. I went through ideas of uselessness and feeling extremely unwanted. I doubted who I was as a person which led to broken relationships with friends, family members and my boyfriend. I couldn't pull myself together and I had no idea why. I felt alone in my feelings to the point that I "knew" I wasn't important enough to have around, that I couldn't contribute anything so why stick around? I always felt like I wasn't good enough for my family or couldn't live up to these standards I felt pressured to be. I attempted suicide twice. I couldn't tell you what brought me to that point because it wasn't a specific event, it wasn't a specific person. I'm not sure what took me to such a dark place. After calling for help from a family friend, my secret was out. Therapists were discussed, being treated was talked about, and all the while, I don't think I absorbed anything from the conversations. Everything felt like a business deal, like "What can we do to fix her?". It wasn't until I had a conversation with an alienated friend after much reconciliation, that I learned something. She said, "Start writing again. Get your feelings out and write." So I did. All the angry I felt towards myself, towards everyone else, went to paper and pen. The words flowed easily, making my depression a lot easier to deal with. I started opening up to people after understanding my own feelings and realizing I could contribute something to this world, I am worth having around. It took a long time. I don't think it really snapped into place until February of 2008. I lost a best friend and I realized how important people were to me, and that hurting myself would hurt more people than I'd ever realize.
If you've ever felt alone or felt useless, just remember that you aren't alone in your feelings. People all over the world struggle with depression and I think the best medicine is just to talk about it with someone you trust. Taking your life doesn't solve anything. Think about the people you'd leave behind, think about how important you are to friends, to family, to yourself. It took me a while and that dark place comes and goes but now I've surrounded myself with people that I can open up to, people I can trust. Try writing, it helped me realize I wasn't alone.
Image via Fashion Gone Rogue
PS: This song really stuck when I lost my friend. The lyrics really held on and I listen to this song every time I need a reminder of where I came from.